Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
