My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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