i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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