I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
