and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
