I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
