I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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