Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
