he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
