Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
