U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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