she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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