Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
