So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
