I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
