I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So apparently I’m into choking now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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