i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
