Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
