My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
