I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
