On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
