We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
