I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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