Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
