Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
