You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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