You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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