There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
