just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
