one two three fourrrrnication!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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