The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
