i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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