apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
