woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
