so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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