so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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