I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
someone threw a dead crab at me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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