Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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