last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
