Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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