I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
