My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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