here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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