does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
