is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
