this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
