Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
