you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
