I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
