When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
