You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
